I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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