My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Randomize