Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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