Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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