also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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