Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
