so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
All I want is dick and wine.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
