I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
