Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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