i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
