she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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