her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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