youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
