If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
