he wants to bone in the snuggie
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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