New low: just hacked my moms facebook
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i drank out of a bidet.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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