Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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