I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
