only you would photoshop your dick
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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