omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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