Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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