She went from zero to smokin in five shots
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize