just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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