I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Randomize
