I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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