We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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