Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
