This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
