she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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