The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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