I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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