Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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