just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
