Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
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