sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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