it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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