Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
