Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
