in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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