Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize