we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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