I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
