My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
either way he was missing a nipple.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Randomize
