Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Your dad touched me again.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
