you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize