Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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