Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
