trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
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