Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
