I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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