Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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