someone threw a dead crab at me
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
