We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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