it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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