I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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