stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
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