I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
