Pregnant stripper...not hot.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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