do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
