i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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