there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
