Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
