Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
