Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize